NAUTICAL TERMS ACTUALLY HAVE USE Fred Dyson – Dyson's Starboard View – Messing About in Boats   A female correspondent from Spenard wants to know what keelhauling means.  I used this expression recently describing what should be done with folks who design and build poorly designed and constructed rowing and paddle boats.   Keelhauling was a punishment utilized during the great days of sail.  The malefactor had lines (ropes) tied to his legs and he was then pulled under the vessel from one side to the other.  On big ships with a deep keel and many barnacles, this was dangerous and deteriorated the exterior of the participants.   When I explained this to the woman from Spenard, she asked if I knew of anyone who would perform this service upon the body and person of her husband.  I searched the yellow pages and all of the boating magazines I get, but found no one advertising to perform this service.  Perhaps there is a market in our area and one of our readers can exercise an entrepreneurial spirit.  Who knows, we may end up with a new variant of the Spenard Divorce.   We had an inquiry from a fan named Thelma in Seward.  She wanted to know why boating people are always using weird words like port and starboard instead of left and right.  She thinks they are showing off.   Well Thelma, your boating friends may be showing off, but there is a good reason for some of the nautical terminology.  If you were standing on a boat facing aft (to the rear) and someone facing forward asked you to grab the line on the right, you would not know whether they meant your right, their right or the boat's right.  Starboard means the boat's right.  This saves a lot of confusion.   The port and starboard sides of a boat are marked, respectively, with red and green running lights.  This helps you determine the direction of a vessel you enchanter on a "dark and stormy night."  You can remember port and starboard directions and colors in one of the following ways.  The short words: left, red, port, are all on the same side of the boat.  Port wine is red and there is seldom any left.   The woman from Seward also wanted to know what her husband meant when he said she was "Three axe handles across the beam?"  Beam, in nautical jargon, means the extreme width of the hull of a vessel measured between verticals.  As to what her husband meant, I wouldn't touch that one with a barge pole (a 32-foot pole used for pushing floating things away).                               TOP          MESSING ABOUT IN BOATS          HOME